"Thanks to the baby, my boobs look like these pancakes." And with that single sentence, my breakfast out with my closest gal pals devolved into a gripe fest about the war genetics, pregnancy, weight gain and even gainful employment had waged on our no-longer taut bodies.

Crueler irony: We had gathered to discuss an upcoming multi-family beach vacation. The magnitude of our predicament weighed upon us like an extra serving of bacon.

What could be done to not feel old/fat/hairy by our August departure date?

"Hair"-iet & the Forest of Doom
Complaint: "I could cultivate Rastafarian dreadlocks under my arms. I don't have a hairy bikini line; I have a bikini jungle."

Solution: Laser Hair Removal
"Laser hair removal is very effective, and now's the time to start. Patients will usually require five treatments scheduled six to eight weeks apart," says Dr. Craig Ingber of Dermacure (257-8400).

The process, which is much more comfortable than waxing, leaves skin totally smooth - no more razor or waxing bumps. You'll notice improvement after the very first treatment. You'll also notice that while your hair continues to get thinner and lighter, your wallet does not. A complete set of five treatments for underarms is only $400. That's a small price to pay to never worry about stubble again.

Sara: My Dreams Deflated, Along with my Chest
Complaint: "I was that girl with great boobs. When I was pregnant and breastfeeding, they were even more full and fabulous. But now that I've weaned, they look like saggy, deflated balloons. This. Is. Not. Fair."

Solution: Breast Augmentation
"Today there are several breast augmentation surgical techniques and a variety of implants available in order to achieve the most natural-looking breasts," informs Dr. Kevin K. Hayavi, medical director of Beverly Hills Physicians (800-788-1416). Says the doctor: "Breast augmentation can be performed using incisions around the areola, under the arm, under the breast crease or from the belly button. In addition, there are saline and silicone implants in a variety of shapes and sizes. The best procedure is the one that fits a woman's body the best. A qualified plastic surgeon would evaluate the patient properly, take several measurements during the consultation and offer what fits the patient's body, desire and lifestyle. The old cookie cutter 'one surgery for all' is no longer valid."

Too-jolly Jolie & those Last 60 Pounds
Complaint: "Swimsuit season sucks when you're fat. Now that I'm pushing 40 - man - it's time to get this weight off once and for all. Diets just don't work for me; I'm ready to consider other options."

Solution: Gastric Lap Band
"After a weight loss procedure like gastric lap band, patients feel more energetic, experience more self confidence and there is significant improvement in quality of life," shares Dr. Hayavi of Beverly Hills Physicians. The result of a lap band procedure is much more than cosmetic. Informs Dr. Hayavi: "There are several co-morbid medical conditions that are related to obesity: diabetes, high blood pressure, gastroesophegeal reflux, sleep apnea, infertility and joint and back pain. Following reduction of weight, many of these conditions either improve or resolve completely. We constantly hear from former patients how their weight loss has allowed them to spend more time with their family, running with their kids in the park and just how much more joy they get from being more mobile and healthy."

Carrie: Spiderman was a ChickComplaint: "Working retail totally jacked up my legs. I have 'old-lady' spider veins from standing 40 hours a week. I'm only 31!"

Solution: Laser Vein Removal
"Spider veins may be caused by heredity, pregnancy, weight gain, standing on one's feet all the time - or a combination of factors," informs Dr. Ingber of Dermacure. But regardless of the cause, there's one simple solution. Laser vein removal can totally get rid of superficial purple and red spider veins in a series of three treatments six weeks apart. Purchase the sessions together and pay only $675.

"What's especially advantageous about this treatment is that there's no down time," says Dr. Ingber.

If you have ugly varicose veins, Dr. Panasci of Valencia Vein Center (254-0720) can help! The best treatment of varicose veins is rendered by several methods. Offering a combination of methods gives much better results. Treatment options include sclerotherapy (painless injection combined with a compression bandage) and surgical treatments (micro incisions). Lasers have been useful with spider veins, but varicose veins are too large to treat this way.