According to decades of peer-tested scientific journal articles, the human tongue can distinguish four primary tastes: bitter, sour, salty and sweet. (The jury's out on whether or not to include "savory" on the list.) Which leads us to one clear conclusion: Scientists are wrong. We're confident that our tongues also have specific zones for all sorts of other things, particularly red wine, burgers, salsa and cream.

Which is why this month's dining guide is organized not by type of restaurant, but flavor profile. (Yes, "burgers" are a flavor profile. If you don't understand why, you're not a real fan of the burger.) Eat up!

El Chaparral & Presidente

LIGHT & FRESH
Gotta Try: The Grilled Chicken or Steak Tostada
This cool combination of "salad and savory" starts with a large crispy flour tortilla shell generously filled with layers of refried beans, fresh-chopped lettuce, shredded jack cheese, diced tomatoes and olives. Tender achiote-basted chicken breast (or marinated steak), rich guacamole and a dollop of sour cream top off the masterpiece. For the full "staycation" experience, pair yours with an icy margarita, complementary chips and salsa and good company. El Chaparral Mexican Restaurant is located at 19132 Soledad Canyon Road in Canyon Country (252-5599) and Presidente Mexican Grill is located at 26625 Bouquet Canyon Road in Santa Clarita 297-7244 T

Salt Creek Grille

Gotta Try: Ahi Tuna Stack
Salt Creek's Ahi Tuna Stack is served sashimi-style, stacked with avocado and cucumber and served with wasabi and a ginger soy sauce. This appetizer is a wonderful start to any meal or is a great dish to enjoy with your friends in the bar over Salt Creek's infamous Christini Martini (a heavenly blend of premium raspberry vodka and Chambord, topped off with champagne and served in a sugar-rimmed glass with fresh raspberries). Get "stacked" during Happy Hour Monday through Friday from 2 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. Salt Creek Grille is located at 24415 Town Center Drive Suite 115 in Valencia 222-9999 T

Vino100

DRINKS
Gotta Try: Wine Tasting Flight
What better way to sample new wines than to enjoy them in a warm, comfortable environment surrounded by the inviting appeal of a neighborhood wine store. A selection of four wines - typically one white and three reds - are available for tasting; choose any three for a flight. Selections are indicative of the wines carried in the store and change weekly. You're also sure to enjoy the small-plate bar menu available to accompany the wine. Whether you choose a cheese, salami or salmon plate, there's plenty to share. Vino 100 is located at 28112 Newhall Ranch Road in Valencia 294-6886

Sabor

Gotta Try: Infused Tequila
It takes 25 days for Sabor to infuse their 100-percent agave tequila with seasonal flavors (think fruit, flowers or herbs). Today, try the succulent strawberry-blueberry infusion or cross the border with the jamica (hibiscus flower) blend. Specials change regularly, in line with Sabor's philosophy of letting nature dictate what's on the dining table. Their goal: To serve exquisite food prepared with the freshest seasonal organic ingredients - without the high price tag that usually accompanies exceptional-quality menu items. This is the season to experience the refined flavors and ambience of Sabor. Sabor Cocina Mexicana is located at 23953 Newhall Ranch Road in Valencia 259-9002

New Moon Restaurant

Gotta Try: Happy Hour at New Moon
Just like the glowing, shapeless jellyfish that call New Moon's bar home, the restaurant's parameters are difficult to define in the best of ways. Their unique take on Asian fusion dining has earned rave reviews. Get a feel for the distinct vibe at their Happy Hour seven days a week from 5 p.m. to 7 p.m., or Late Night Happy Hour on Fridays and Saturdays from 9 p.m. to close. Domestic beers are just $2, while margaritas are $3.50 and apps are only $3 to $4.
New Moon Restaurant is located at 28281 Newhall Ranch Road in Valencia 257-4321 T

Wolf Creek Restaurant & Brewing Company

SWEET
Gotta Try: Bananas Foster French Toast
Bananas Foster French toast started as a Wolf Creek special but was made a permanent member of the Sunday Brunch menu based on major public outcry. One bite and you'll understand why this rich dish deserves its own fan page on Facebook. Bananas Foster French Toast is more of an event than an entree: Fresh bananas are sauteed in a buttery brown sugar confection, topped with whipped cream, strawberries and nuts, all piled on. Wolf Creek Restaurant & Brewing Co. is located at 27746 McBean Parkway in Valencia 263-9653. T

Hacienda Don Cuco's

Gotta Try: Grand Sunday Brunch
Lots of restaurants serve brunch, but only one deserves the title of Grand Sunday Brunch. Forget the senior-center-style lineup of brunches past. This all-you-can-eat Hacienda Don Cuco's brunch is a sum of more than its delicious parts. It's a party for all ages, complete with a live mariachi band. Exceptionally-fresh offerings include authentic Mexican fare, waffles, pancakes, omelets, killer seafood and dessert bars and so much more. Equally exciting is the super-low price - just $19.95 for adults and $9.95 for kids 10 and under. Hacienda Don Cuco Mexican Restaurant is located at 27247 Camp Plenty Road in Canyon Country 252-8074

Oggi's Pizza & Brewing Co.

SAVORY
Gotta Try: Chicken Tequila
It all starts with a fresh-marinated chicken breast and a touch of tequila sauteed with red and green bell peppers, red onions and finished with a jalapeno, cilantro and lime cream sauce. The divinely-paired flavors then come alive over a bed of spinach fettuccini pasta - made from the best ingredients in classic Italian tradition. The homemade dish is made complete with an Oggi's garlic knot - and 33 flat-screen TVs. Yes, you can now enjoy a gourmet meal and the game, simultaneously. Marriage counselors everywhere - rejoice! Oggi's Pizza & Brewing Co. is located at 18810 Soledad Canyon Road in Santa Clarita 252-7883

Schreiner's Fine Sausages

Gotta Try: Chicken Sausage
Schreiner's Fine Sausages has passed down hand-blended family recipes for over 40 years, and there are few better examples of gastronomical success than their collection of fresh chicken sausages. Choose from Chicken Italian Sausage, Chicken Lemon Cilantro Sausage, Chicken Sausage with Sundried Tomato & Basil, Chicken Sausage with Applesauce and more, available for purchase online (www.schreinersfinesausages.com), at their old-time deli in Glendale or on Sunday mornings at the Farmers Market (held in COC's parking lot). No matter where you order, be sure to include a hearty sampling of their true Cowboy Jerky. Schreiner's Fine Sausages is available locally at the COC Farmers Market 818-244-4735 T

The Social

Gotta Try: Fresh Fish
You know The Social lives up to its reputation for fabulous food when even the Tapenade, an afterthought at so many other otherwise fine establishments, justifies a stop over. Sharp and rich, the blend of black olives, garlic, shallots, pine nuts and parm serves as an ideal topping to the fresh-baked bread. But tonight, the Salmon in Phyllo Dough is the star, with Sauce Muniere - a light, creamy, buttery elixir - dancing on top of both the fish and your taste buds. It is oh so good, especially when ordered with one of more than 100 martinis. The Social is located at 23329 Lyons Avenue in Newhall 799-9155

Salt Creek Grille Catering

Gotta Try: Salt Creek Grille's "Festive Italian Bistro"
Creative, innovative and delicious - that's how people are describing Salt Creek Grille Catering's impressive cuisine and event design. Judge for yourself at Taste of the Town; their festive Italian bistro will place an innovative spin on the osso bucco, served with delectable, soft and creamy parmesan polenta and grilled flat breads with fresh cheese adorned with caramelized onions and orange conserve. Salt Creek Grille Catering's professional chefs and event staff specialize in life's celebrations, intimate dinners, themed galas and corporate events. Salt Creek Grille Catering is located at 24415 Town Center Drive Suite 115 in Valencia 222-9999 T

Gandolfo's

BURGERS
Gotta Try: Gandolfo's Famous Cheeseburgers
Learn the alternative definition to "sell out," every Wednesday and Saturday from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., when you bite into what is, quite simply, the best burger you will ever eat. These grand gourmet hamburgers also redefine "made to order." A dizzying array of no-limit topping choices puts drive-thru selections to shame. A huge (literally and figuratively) customer favorite: adding the best New York pastrami and a fried egg. Get there early. Perfection in a bun is only available six hours a week, and when they're gone, they're gone. Gandolfo's New York Delicatessen is located at 28060 Hasley Canyon Road in Castaic 257-8844

The Oaks at TPC Valencia

Gotta Try: Kobe Beef Sliders
Take in the best view of Santa Clarita while treating yourself to the best sliders in Santa Clarita. Made from sushi-grade beef procured from the organic Snake River Farms, these mouthwatering patties are smothered in Vermont cheddar cheese and topped with a house-made buttery brioche bun, then served with a spicy crudite. It's a fan favorite worthy of The Oaks Grille menu, which is known for five-star delights. See the stars (above and on your dining table) beginning May 7, when TOG hosts live music on Friday evenings. The Oaks Grille is located at the TPC Golf Course at 26550 Heritage View Lane in Valencia 288-1995

Wings, Pizza & Things

Gotta Try: Southwestern Sliders
Really great food, a relaxed vibe, a killer beer and wine selection and super-low family-friendly prices make this place a whole bunch of awesome. Check out our case study... Awesome: The 100-percent Angus Beef Southwestern Sliders - served with grilled jalapenos, onions and a secret southwestern sauce - are served with a choice of onion rings, sweet-potato fries or thin-cut fries. More Awesome: On Cinco de Mayo, pair your sliders with $2 Coronas and $2 Dos Equis. Most Awesome: Nine HD satellite TVs with premier sports packages for your viewing pleasure. Wings Pizza N Things Sports Bar & Grill is located at 28070 Hasley Canyon Road in Castaic 295-1000

T denotes that this restaurant will be participating in the Child & Family Center's Taste of the Town on May 2 at the Mann Biomedical Park from 1 p.m. to 5 p.m.; www.tasteofthetown.com



A Catty Girl's Guide to doing Brunch
Choose your calories wisely.
You only have so much stomach space available for development, and let's be honest: your butt's not getting any smaller. Skip the cheap floury carbs (pancakes, waffles, muffins) and think like a reality star let loose in an Oscar-party gifting suite. Find the most expensive tidbits (seafood, carved meats, exotic dishes) and pack it in (like a lady or gentleman, of course).

Never confuse "brunch" with "buffet."
One is a tasteful collection of abject deliciousness. The other more closely resembles a hog pen at slop-tossing time. How can you make sure you're going to a brunch instead of a buffet? Avoid key words like "home" or "town."

Never brunch with judgers.
"Yes, this is my third piece of apple-smoked bacon. What's it to you?" is not an appropriate brunch conversation starter, so avoid conflict by leaving judgers at home. Hint: Unnaturally-thin people are usually crabby food judgers. Perpetual hunger will do that to a person.

Remember that complementary champagne does not come with a complementary muzzle, and that not all champagne is complementary.
After four mimosas, even this catty girl's meow can get a little ferocious, which isn't a good thing. Especially when a tipsy kitten gets a bill for $21 worth of mimosas that she thought were included with brunch. And so she slurs in the general direction of her server that she'd like to speak to a manager. Who then pulls out the menu showing that only one glass of champagne was included with her purchase. (All hypothetical, of course.)