Ok, maybe I didn't die when I got a colon hydrotherapy treatment, but my dream of one day running for national public office just might be based solely on my desire to write about it. It's a risk I am willing to take.
My toe-dip into Optimum Health in Valencia began about two months ago when I scheduled a lymphatic drainage therapy appointment with Owner John Rowinski. I had read a lot about the lymph system from my "felt like I was going to die" bed early last year while I struggled to recover from a flu.
Turns out the lymph system is a key player in one's immunity, helping the body whisk away nasties before they can settle in and do real damage. I had signs of a sluggish lymphatic: fatigue, drawn-out illness, puffiness and joint discomfort. With a wedding on the near horizon, I knew that my lymph needed some love, so I booked an hour with John and his lymph-draining magical hands and machines.
My appointment was the pinnacle of relaxation. John first placed glass tubes at primary points, helping channel the lymph faster, creating a pumping action I could only barely feel (Most, I'm told, don't feel it at all.). Within minutes, my sinuses started draining dramatically, a sign that my body had begun to process and naturally eliminate the waste my lymphatic system was now more effectively processing. Using soft, swiping strokes, John then manually manipulated my system, lulling me into a tranquil doze.
The sinus drainage continued mildly for a few more days and I noticed that my ankles, face and stomach were noticeably less puffy. I was so impressed by the efficacy, I bought a package for three more - and then I booked The Trifecta.
That's what I'm calling what I signed up for last week: a Swedish Massage, followed by lymphatic drainage, followed by colon hydrotherapy. To surmise the Swedish: John is so incredibly gifted and intentional with his massage. My slightest shift was all he needed to adjust pressure and hone in on points and parts that needed extra attention. His knowledge of the body and its systems is remarkable and his ability to provide therapeutic treatments that deeply heal should forever make him your top choice for physical and related emotional recovery. But that's not the real reason you're reading this article.
You want to know about the poop.
I get it. Even with all my familiarity with alternative health treatments, colon hydrotherapy had me hesitating. There were just too many unknowns - and too much pride.
Let me say this: It was so, so much better than I thought it would be. There was never any discomfort or pain, the only person who touched or even saw my tush was me, the warm filtered water entered gently from a gravity feed, and despite my ultra-healthy vegetarian diet, I really needed this more than I thought I would.
It started with me climbing up onto the therapy table made especially for this purpose, very gently inserting a thinner-than-a-pencil plastic tube about an inch and a half into my rump, then shimmying down the table a bit so that anything that was on its way out evacuated directly into the constantly "flushing" recess below. I did all this privately, then covered myself with the provided medical-grade sheet so that it stayed that way.
John entered (You can also request a female colon hydrotherapist.), explained the process a bit more, then left me with directions to gently bunch and scrunch to aid the cleansing of my intestines. He later returned, at my request, to massage my abdomen over the sheet and apply a padded vibrating plate to special points on my head, stomach and hip - again, over the sheet - to encourage even more internal release.
And - release I did. It wasn't dramatic, scary or painful. Stuff just started coming out, serving as visual reminders (You can see what goes down through a clear sewage tube.) to chew better, drink more water and boost my fiber consumption.
After I left, I felt only very mild cramping that dissipated in minutes; it was my body adjusting and sliding back into freshly-cleaned places. I felt pleasantly sleepy, so I turned in early - only to wake up to very good news. My stomach was significantly flatter and multiple inches had been whittled from my waist. I didn't lose fat or calories, obviously, but the built up old waste in my intestines was taking up room. I did this for health and wellness, but the woman inside me who has to regularly don cocktail dresses for work was also very impressed. I felt good, lighter and more committed to healthy eating and exercise. This won't be the last time I get colon hydrotherapy, but hopefully it's the last time I tell over 100,000 people about it.
I put a tube in my tush, watered my colon for 45 minutes, lost inches in my waist and some really old stuff that probably never would have come out on its own willingly... and didn't die.
Publisher's Note: I just turned 40! In honor of my big birthday, I've committed to trying things "outside the box" with only one caveat:
It has to have little likelihood of killing me physically. (I do have three kids.). But for someone famous for shutting down to-do suggestions with, "I'd rather die!" these 12 activities are plenty of stretch for a gal who's spent four decades trying to get out of leaving the house.