The empty chair at holiday dinners can cause enormous pain. Whether it's your 1st, 10th or 50th year without your loved one, holidays are sad reminders of those we have lost.

"As a society we are not trained or prepared to deal with life's most predictable event and that is loss," said grief counselor and author Jeff Zhorne.

Maybe it's a sad movie or listening to a friend's battle with cancer, and slowly you feel your throat tighten. Feelings may bubble to the surface and get lodged there. Many of us push those feelings right back down.

"This buried pain is very real, has energy and doesn't go away on its own," Zhorne said. "It will make itself known when you least expect it." Reactions become disproportionate; our emotional, mental and physical well-being suffers.
Moving Out of Fear and Isolation

Tragically, Zhorne's two children were killed in an auto accident while vacationing overseas in 1991. The pain, isolation and loneliness were unbearable. Zhorne even reached the point of not wanting to be reminded of his children. "I had to find a way to recover. . . or die," recounted.

"Then I found grief recovery," said Zhorne, "There I was able to finish what was so I could begin to live with what is. My kids will never occupy their rooms again, never take their places at the table or play in the sandbox. But by reconciling or getting complete with their deaths, I am now able to cherish their fond memories since they both left a legacy of love, not pain. At last I am able to remember them for the way they lived, not just the way they died."

Today, as a bereavement specialist and grief recovery counselor certified by the Grief Recovery Institute, Zhorne's practice is centered in Santa Clarita. He serves as the director of The Grief Program, an organization dedicated to guiding grieving people in resolving loss issues step-by-step to a richer quality of life.

Start of Recovery
Recovery starts by being able to freely express all the thoughts and emotions connected with loss. Maybe it's regret, which is often associated with loss. Or grieving the loss of unrealized hopes, dreams and expectations.

Grieving people aren't broken and don't need to be fixed. They need to be heard in an atmosphere of safety, respect and dignity - without evaluation or advice, "which is just criticism in disguise, anyway," said Zhorne.

Today Zhorne feels grateful to be emotionally complete with the deaths of his children. "Not that I somehow got over it," he recounted. "That event is still very much a part of me. But I've learned to incorporate that loss and my enduring love for them into my life. At last I can enjoy fond memories of my children."

Jeff Zhorne

The Grief Program is sponsoring a free community presentation on the skills needed for working through significant emotional loss at 7 p.m., Thursday, Dec. 10, in the Education Center at Christ Lutheran Church, 25816 N. Tournament Rd. For more information call 733-0692 or visit www.thegriefprogram.com.