I was having a conversation about a week ago with a 17-year-old male high school student. I've known him many years, watched him grow up, and know he has loving and supportive parents. What shocked me about the conversation was not that fact that he shared he'd been using drugs on and off for a couple of years but the fact that he thinks his parents have no idea and wouldn't be able to handle it if they found out. As I explored his statement a bit further, I realized he truly believes he can't talk about his usage with his parents. And he says they've never really brought up the topic, other than to repeat basic "Drugs are bad" statements and "We know you're too smart to do anything like that" comments. Something incredibly sad flashed in his eyes when he told me it was a relief to have an honest conversation about his life. The entire time I listened my heart was breaking for his mom and dad - he should be talking to them.

Parents and their kids frequently pass like ships in the night when it comes to the truly important issues. As a parent of two teenagers, I had to face reality and come to grips with the necessity of talking to my kids constantly about their life behind the scenes. And boy, how determined teenagers are to keep us out! Fear, peer pressure, expectations, shame, hormones - these are all things that get in the way of letting us share their lives. Parents and families face a challenging battle as they attempt to raise a teenager drug-free in today's world. Drugs are everywhere: the school campus, the after-school activity, the sports program, the house down the street . . .

Parents, are you looking? Are your teenagers coming home high or intoxicated but you don't know it because you're at work or because you're already in bed when they come in at night? Are they always on the computer? Do they play video games and never interact with family? Do you ever eat meals together? Is it easier for you not to ask than to risk knowing? Are you being a coward about your teenager's lifestyle? Do you think your life style, your education or your family's religious beliefs make your teen exempt? Or do you think they're pretty good? Do they get good grades, rarely miss school, have friends you've known a long time - so it's safe to assume all is well? Wake up. Stay up. Get involved. Start talking and listening!

Allow your teenager to be accountable for his or her choices but be the one talking to them about the choices and the consequences. Love them no matter what and make sure they hear it and know it, but don't enable them by allowing destructive behaviors to go on behind the scenes. Often parents think that talking about drugs and alcohol with their kids will increase their temptation to try them. One of the best tools found to help families keep their teens healthy is effective communication. By keeping the communication door open, parents and teen can work issues out together.

Stay in the future when you talk with your teenager. If there's been past problems, try not to bring them up. Listening, not judging, usually gets better results and is definitely a place to begin. Do you know what's in their heart? When's the last time you asked? Please don't wait until it's too late.


Kim wants to hear your thoughts, concerns, and ideas. E-mail her at kschafer@insidescv.com.