We hear a lot about how important it is to help our children deal with trauma. In light of recent events, the media frequently parades experts in front of a listening audience in order to emphasize the need to talk with kids and find out how they feel about the disasters that have occurred in their world.

In reality, the biggest disaster of the century has our children as its silent survivors - divorce and the death of the American family.

According to the National Health Center (2003), 40 percent of all marriages in this country end in divorce. For couples with children, it's not just the end of a marriage, it's the end of a family. Now, before those of you living through this experience start to object, let me share that I've been there, done it and have a son who was one of those silent survivors. And know that I'm not referring to marriages in which spouses and children are victims of violence and abuse.

How does a marriage end? There are no easy answers. "Irreconcilable differences" sounds more like something you'd hear at a football game when the referees argue over a play, not a reason to give up on love, commitment and family. Author Naomi Wright has a theory about relationships and why people give up on each other. She calls her theory "Reverse Reasoning" and it goes something like this:

• She chose him because he knew how to provide a good living.
• She divorced him because all he thought about was his business.
• He married her because she was steady and sensible.
• He divorced her because she was boring and dull.
• She loved him because he was easy-going and romantic.
• She left him because he was lazy and demanded too much sexually.

We kill our mates with unfair comparisons, unreal expectations and indifference. We expect them to be a parent figure instead of a spouse. We constantly criticize. We're unable to forgive past mistakes. Sex is used as a weapon or a reward. We put friends and family ahead of our spouse. Then we decide, "I'm not in love anymore." And the answer is: divorce.

Falling in love is just the beginning and fades as fast as the bridal bouquet. Once you get past that goopy "in-love-everything's-wonderful" phase, you can actually get down to the business of being a real married couple. Love takes work - hard work!

In the middle of a divorce and often forgotten are the kids. The biggest tragedy of all is when parents think that divorce is an adult-only issue and that their children won't be "that" affected. In fact, the marital relationship has far reaching ramifications for children. Children in a divorcing family know that nothing will ever be the same again. They don't believe things will be "fine." Their previously secure world (and that's how they see it even if home is chaos) is now in a state of change. Somebody won't be around as much. They may lose contact with beloved extended family members. Their bedtime, mealtime, and after-school routines may change. Children have a realistic fear that if they lose one parent they may lose the other. The concept of being alone is extremely frightening. Children who have a natural attachment with their parents also fear losing other secure attachment relationships like friends, pets, siblings, etc. The potential loss of their familiar surroundings can cause negative reactions. And certainly not least of all there's the fear and tension surrounding the battle for custody. Some parents try to turn their children against the other spouse, which creates an absolutely impossible situation for the child.

The effects of this natural disaster are far-reaching. Rebuilding can take years. However, unlike a hurricane or an earthquake, divorce doesn't have to happen. Parents have a choice. Divorce doesn't have to be the answer - there is help available.


If you're dealing with or thinking about a divorce and would like to talk before you sign those papers, please e-mail Kim Schafer at kschafer@insidescv.com.