Did you think about your spouse's temperament or personality before you married? Did you ask yourself, "Is this the person I want to be with everyday until I die?"

Here are some questions you should, or should have, asked yourself before the big day. Are they punctual or late? Orderly or messy? A reader or a TV watcher? Like the outdoors or indoors? Do they like your family? Treat you as you think you should be treated? Have any men friends, any women friends? Do you laugh at the same jokes? Would you be proud to have them as host at the other end of the table? Can you agree on sex, in-law, and money issues? Childrearing? Roles in the home and relationship?

Florence Littauer developed a personality profile test with a goal of helping couples understand each other better by better understanding themselves. In her book, "Personality Plus," she describes four distinct personality styles.

The Sanguine: an extravert, talkative, loves the center of attention, warm, caring, sincere, creative and colorful, never at a loss for words, everybody's friend but the first to forget names and appointments, lives for the moment, has the house all the kids like to hang out at. Usually has little follow through, doesn't believe they have faults. Advice: They need to talk half as much and stop exaggerating, pay attention to names and remember the children. The popular Sanguine needs help learning to curb their tongue, control their ego, concern themselves with others and count the cost.

The Melancholy: an introvert, analytical, a systems person, prone to dark moods, genius, philosophical, poetic, artistic, faithful, loyal, has intense feelings and brings out talent in their children. They think no one else could be like him/her and can be easily depressed. Tends to take things too personally and makes mental lists of things people have done "to" them. Advice: They need to understand that no one likes a constantly gloomy person. Accentuate the positives, don't judge yourself so harshly, don't procrastinate because it isn't perfect, don't spend so much time planning, relax unrealistic demands.

The Choleric: an achiever, no-nonsense, self-sufficient, hard working, decisive, plans quickly, a born leader,

helps their children learn about responsibility, motivates and inspires others, often believes there is nothing offensive about them because they're always right. They rationalize why the weakness is not theirs but is instead a fault in others. Compulsive worker who needs to learn to relax. Advice: Plan more leisure activity, stop manipulating, practice patience with people, keep advice until asked, tone down your bossy approach, stop arguing because you like controversy, let someone else be right, learn to apologize.

"We can be grateful for our differences and we can stop trying to change our spouses."

The Phlegmatic: an introvert, easy going, enjoyable, all-purpose kind of person, good administrative characteristics, dry sense of humor, very witty, calm, cool and collected, caring, great parent because they can stay calm and deal with stress, they have a lack of obvious weakness because they always stay mildly unenthusiastic, worry quietly and can struggle making decisions, need to get more excited about life. Advice: They need a loving spouse to help them get going. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. They postpone not because they're lazy, but they just don't want to do something. They have a quiet will of iron but need to communicate their feelings, otherwise they're perceived as passive aggressive. The Phlegmatic needs to practice making decisions and learn to say no.

Of the four styles, Sanguine and Melancholy are complete opposites: emotional and circumstantial. Each has extreme highs and lows, just at a different pace. Choleric and Phlegmatic are respectively action-oriented and adaptable, again opposites but less complex than the emotional Sanguine and Melancholy.

Often people appear to display traits of their personality opposites. For example, the oldest child of an alcoholic family may have been born with a naturally sanguine personality, but has learned to repress those traits and take on the traits of a melancholy. Then they get married, and things fall apart. The coping skills they had to use as a child don't work anymore.

Learn about your and your spouse's basic temperaments in order to accept each other. Learn how to anticipate problems before they happen and to anticipate your spouse's reactions to different situations based on their personality and their response to your personality style.

Admit weaknesses in order to build strengths. We may have to look at childhood pain or rejection in order to bring understanding and begin the healing process.

Be thankful for the natural abilities of your personality and feel confident that you can function well in your strengths. Have the courage to look at your personality strengths and weaknesses in order to make positive changes.

Seek opinions. Ask your spouse, or a trusted friend or family member, the question, "If I were to work on one area of my personality, where do you think I should start?" Whatever they say, don't be defensive. Thank them and think it over.

When we can look at our marriages and understand that one's partner's strengths fill in the other's weaknesses, we can be grateful for our differences and stop trying to change the other person. We can lean into each other's strengths instead of opposing them. Finally we see our spouse as our beschert!


Kim and her beschert have been married for 21 years. E-mail her at kschafer@insidescv.com.