What is the one thing your spouse asks you to do that you haven't or won't? A dear friend of mine asks me this question every time I mention feeling frustrated with my spouse or when I questioned his belief in my abilities.

I always pretended to listen to her and acted like I was going home to figure out the "something" my husband wanted, but I didn't want to consider the thing I knew he wanted. In my opinion, it was always something else, not the thing my spouse asked for, not the thing to which he occasionally alluded, not the something that I avoided like the plague.

The thing I'd been ignoring was turning our family finances over to my husband. Over the last few years, he'd offered to take care of our finances several times. Because he didn't appear to be forcing the issue, I purposely ignored him. I liked taking care of the money and thought I was better at it. My handling of our finances became a habit over the years. He'd asked me to help with getting things paid when he was traveling frequently for work. Now he doesn't travel anymore but because I still wanted control, I avoided any discussion that might initiate a change.

Still, I couldn't shake the thought that this finance issue was what my friend may have been alluding to. Was this "no big deal" thing actually a white elephant in our relationship? Was it possible that our relationship might be different if I did this one thing? Curiosity won out and I finally committed to asking my husband about the money thing, figuring he'd probably forgotten the whole issue. My phrasing of the question showed my hesitancy: Would he be interested in sharing the responsibility of the finances? Obviously I wasn't so committed since I chose to use the team approach. My conviction to confirm if this was really an issue faded faster than flowers in a bridal bouquet.

My dilemma went on for months until I had one of those "A-ha!" moments and realized my death grip on our finances stemmed from fear. I couldn't give this to my husband because I didn't truly trust in his ability. Growing up, my mom, an accountant, always handled the money. She often made comments about women being better-suited than men to deal with the details of banking. Looking back on my childhood, I remember how my father always left the room when my mom started taking about money. You know, as a kid you hear things, but you don't realize what you absorb until you're an adult. In the end, I realized that not only was I exhibiting distrust for my husband, but I was modeling that distrust to my teenage sons.

After finally sitting down with my spouse and discussing the issue, I can tell you that I'm still a work in progress. I struggle with my pride and my control issues but there is peace in my heart that I didn't have before. That white elephant is now the size of a mouse, and even more importantly, I know that when my husband looks at me he knows I trust him completely.

Right about now, many of you can feel the hair standing up on the back of your neck. I know. I know. For you, money may not be your particular issue. In your heart, though, you know what one thing lingers out there between you and you spouse. Is it worth it? If you're not sure, I encourage you to sincerely ask your spouse what that one thing is and then take the plunge, make the change and see what happens!


Kim likes questions and suggestions. E-mail her at kschafer@insidescv.com.


It was recently brought to the attention of the publishers that Kim Schafer's "Family Therapist is In: How did we Live to Talk about It?" unintentionally failed to cite "anonymous" as the original writer of the tribute printed in the May 2006 issue of Inside SCV Magazine. The tribute has received some notoriety on the internet, but unfortunately all attempts made to locate the original writer have been fruitless. Ms. Schafer apologizes for any inconvenience this may have caused.