Webster defines "bully" as "one who is habitually cruel or abusive to others," and defines "habitually" as "a mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary." In other words, bullying is an action done so often that one may not even realize they're doing it.

A child may become a bully when they grow up with an aggressive model that is consistently repetitive. Too often in a child's life that model is their parent. A mom or dad who consistently uses aggressive language or behaviors might have a little bully in the making. As a parent, the choices you make and the actions you take can change your children's lives.

Sometimes bullying is subtle; maybe mom is consistently rude to the bank teller, the teacher, the clerk at the grocery store or the teenager taking orders in the drive-thru window. Maybe dad has trouble with road rage and a habit of letting loose with verbal epitaphs while the kids are riding in the car with him.

Parents who bully were kids who never learned how to control their own anger. Parents who bully often support their child's aggressive behaviors. They also often use bullying as a method of controlling their kids or "toughening them up."

Bullying knows no financial, cultural or social bounds. It's a mistake to think that an adult bully only lives on the poor side of town, drinks too much and never graduated high school. They may be extremely educated, have a professional career and be influential in their community. Bullying doesn't always look the same but it has the same devastating effect on everyone.

During adolescence, bullying is not a problem that usually sorts itself out - especially if there is a parent who bullies lurking in the background. When a child is repeatedly victimized by a parent who uses bullying as a coping strategy, behaviors and attitudes tend to emerge which are inconsistent with the child's natural personality. These kids tend to take on the attitude modeled by the parent and act it out in their peer environment. Children who bully are seeking to gain control and power. The goal is to put a victim in some type of distress. When children are bullied by their parents they in turn may bully their peers to gain control over some portion of their life. Children who bully desire to dominate their peers. They need to win. They often have no remorse and usually refuse to accept responsibility. Ironically, their parents usually defend these behaviors when parent and child are confronted by school administration or a peer's parents.

Just like the wide variety of bullying behaviors represented in adults, children express their need to gain power and control in a myriad of ways. Studies on bullying break down the kinds of bullies into physical, verbal, relational and reactive. Children who use physical methods of bullying are action-oriented and need to hurt their victim or their victim's property. These children may have witnessed their parent's frequent use of physical force or they themselves are the victims of physical abuse.

Verbal bullies use words to hurt or humiliate another person. These children may be at the mercy of their parent's insulting, demeaning comments or they may have grown up listening to mom and dad verbally bully other adults to get what they want.

Reactive victims are victims who have been bullied, react impulsively, fight back and become a bully in retaliation. This type of bully may be the child always picked on at home by parents or older siblings.

The effects of bullying last a lifetime. Unless children are taught how to use new behaviors they may grow up to bully their spouses, their children and even their co-workers. How do you teach these children to break the generational cycle they've been exposed to? To begin to tackle the problem it takes teachers, support staff, administrators and other family members and friends to join together and take action against bullying.


If you think you're a bully or have a child that is and would like to talk, contact Kim at kschafer@insidescv.com.