We can't really know the depth of our character until we see how we react under pressure. It's easy to be kind, calm and collected when everything is going well, but how about when things aren't going so well? How about when we don't feel well? When money is tight? When the kids are all acting up at the same time? When we've had no rest and our pride won't let us ask for help?

I remember feeling caught in a wave of anger, frustration or desperation, convinced that everything was out of control. Worse, I couldn't talk to anyone because I was afraid they'd think I was bad mom. How many of you parents have become yellers or screamers out of desperation? I know no parent decides to use screaming as a tool when they are tenderly holding their first precious newborn in their arms. That comes later, when we feel out of control.

The book "When You Feel Like Screaming: Help for Frustrated Mothers" suggests seven reasons why we "lose it":

1. letting stress become too great
2. too many demands on limited time
3. not feeling well
4. feeling helpless
5. kids don't measure up
6. children remind you of someone who hurt you
7. fear that kids may go wrong

When we scream and yell in an effort to gain control, we may mistakenly believe we: will finally get the kid's attention; make kids hear our message; get better results; make kids understand how they affect us; feel better; are doing something better than hitting ; feel powerful; can't help ourselves.

The last one is huge because many parents learned screaming and yelling from their own folks. It's that out-of-body experience when you catch yourself doing exactly what your mom or dad did that you swore you'd never do.

So how do we get control of ourselves? We need to be the master of our day, not the victims of it. A controlled parent:

"We need to be the master of our day, not the victims of it."

Exhibits flexibility: If we're too rigid with a schedule more important than our children, we may miss meeting the needs of our kids. Life is full of surprises, crisis and interruptions. If we allow ourselves to go with the flow when the events of the day are different than we planned, we teach our kids the importance of being flexible.

Has a sense of humor: Learning to laugh at ourselves in the middle of craziness helps calm things down. Teaching our children to have a sense of humor helps them learn personal control.

Has balance: Parenthood can feel like a juggling act. You have to balance your family commitments and still have some time to pursue personal interests and pleasures. We can feel extremely tired and frustrated at the end of the day if we don't learn to balance the things we do. If you're orderly you may need to let go of some tasks and if you're disorganized, you may need to learn to prioritize and plan. Modeling balance helps our children learn to develop their skills and discover their strengths.

Chooses a positive attitude: Learn to capture your thoughts in order to keep the right attitude. Look at problems as opportunities to teach your children how to solve issues. Correct mistakes with kindness. Forgive in order to teach your children hope.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself is changed, but that our power to do so is increased." Parents, in order to build a home free from screaming and yelling, can you learn to capture those frustrated thoughts, to not engage in yelling, to step back and take a break in order to create the home you desire?


Is the struggle to stop yelling familiar to you? Contact Kim with questions or comments at kschafer@insidescv.com.