Last September I wrote about my college-bound son heading off down the road less traveled and how much emotion was attached to that transition. I actually thought after my youngest left there was a hole in my gut and the only thing substantial to fill it would be one more hug from him. I confess I kept his bedroom door shut so his smell stayed in the room and I would randomly open the door, take a big gulp of "Zack" and start crying. Well, he's successfully navigated the big freshman year and he and his older brother are both home from their respective colleges for the summer.

Oh my gosh. My trash has tripled, my grocery bill has quadrupled and I can't even guess the mathematic equation to determine the increase in laundry that has piled up. The phone hasn't stopped ringing. They open the refrigerator door so often it already needs oiling. They leave a trail of bits of junk all over the house and I actually think the house is hotter because they take up so much space. Oh, and my oldest has a pretty serious girlfriend so of course everywhere he is, she's not far behind. They are very cute together but she still adds to the body count.

I can't believe I cried when they left! Was I nuts? The other night my husband and I looked at each other and with sheepish guilty grins whispered, "I can't wait until summer's over."

I got to thinking: Was I normal? How could my attitude have changed so fast? Isn't there a cliche that says something about what a difference a day makes? Try a year. Those precious sons I couldn't bear to have leave have become these enormous man-people, taking up too much space and messing up my clean house. How will I stand them for 1,800 more hours? The end of August seems light years away.

Now don't get me wrong, I still love them dearly. They're funny and interesting and great company. They're also very caring and genuinely considerate. I just don't think I can live with these man-people full time anymore. They've changed, which my husband and I expected. What we didn't expect is that we'd change. I think we're experiencing some developmental phenomenon that no one talks about.

The first thing is to understand that we're normal parents in our mid-40s who have had the physical responsibility of raising children for 23 years. Except for the very occasional weekend trip, we've never been alone and have never been without the requirement of providing and caring for our children. Last year, what we and all the other parents with empty nests experienced was a taste of freedom: some time alone with ourselves as the only immediate responsibility. No wonder we feel excited and guilty at the same time.

However, the bottom line is that our kids are home for the next three months. How do we live together, at least for the summer? Here are a few tips to help the temporary transition back to family life, starting with the importance of having a family meeting to negotiate ground rules. Remember, they are a year older and have had the delicious taste of independence and freedom. Things that you'll want to include in this family discussion are:

• Summer job expectations

• Curfew

• Phone and TV use

• Family vacation schedules

• Individual vacations (Don't be surprised if they plan some trips with friends, not you!)

• Car usage (If they don't have their own car because they didn't need it at school, organizing who drives what and when is crucial - you don't want to turn into summer carpool parent.)

• Family chores, including laundry (Remember, they're used to a life without chores. They might not be thrilled about coming home and having to empty the dishwasher or mow the lawn but it's important that when you all live together, everybody pitches in.)

• Plan fun family time together at home (A weekly dinner, movie night, game night or even a weekly Starbucks run helps keep you all connected when everyone's doing their own thing.)

Change can be exciting, scary or just plain uncomfortable. Remember that what you're going through is similar to what your young adult is also going through. All of us need to be reassured that our feelings are okay and normal. We can get through it together!


If you are experiencing the unsettling empty-nest syndrome or guilt over your feeling of freedom, e-mail Kim at kschafer@insidescv.com.