The other night my youngest son and I were watching the movie "Bringing Down the House." It's a comedy about a woman wrongly convicted of a crime who develops an internet relationship with a lawyer. Long story short, she ends up, for a brief period of time, as the nanny for his young son and teenage daughter. There's a scene where the nanny goes to rescue the daughter from a bad party experience, brings her home and then tells her dad what happened. Of course he freaks out. The nanny explains that freaking out in front of his daughter is unacceptable. This is one of those crucial life moments. What he does and says may forever determine the nature of his father/daughter relationship. So, upset dad has to put aside his frantic frustration and make every attempt to simply listen to his daughter's story without interrupting, without yelling, without lecturing. He appears to calmly listen to his daughter as she shares all the evening's lurid details, then goes to his room and screams into his pillow.

I asked my son, "Is it truly that simple? Is a parent keeping their mouth shut the key to initiating dialogue?" I was mostly joking when I asked the question but my son's response stunned me. He confirmed that listening changes everything. He shared that when I just stay quiet and keep a lid on the emotional reactions he not only feels safe to talk there are actually times he wants to talk.

"Listening is not a spectator sport. It demands active parent participation, and boy is it hard to keep quiet."

Listening is not a spectator sport. It demands active parent participation, and boy is it hard to keep quiet. I've spent the last couple of days polling my parent friends to find out how they handle the concept of listening. Almost 100 percent of the parents I spoke to admitted that they struggle to keep quiet. As parents, most of us can't seem to resist the urge to talk!

This isn't a surprise. What makes up our job requirements as parents? To give advice. To protect. To lecture. As parents we've united together in a universal need to regurgitate all the information we've gathered over the course of our own lives in order to somehow surround our kids with wisdom in hopes that all this information will keep them safe from the big bad world. Therefore, to say that listening isn't our strong suit is probably an understatement, but it's never too late to learn. The next time you're at a coffee shop with your child, give this whole listening thing a go. But first, here are a few do's and don'ts.

Don't:
• assume you have all the answers or even any answer to your child's situation, problem or event.
• try to solve things
• use cliches, trite expressions or hollow words just because you think you have to have an answer
• be impersonal, act annoyed or impatient, or appear overly upset, worried, frustrated
• assume you understand how and/or why your child is suffering with a particular problem
• never use "never," "always" or "should" - instead, try phrases like, " It seems like" or "It sounds like"
• interrupt
• judge
• act shocked by anything they say
• start any sentences with "you" - it's like finger pointing
• be discouraged if rejected

Do:
• be careful with their feelings
• be a sympathetic listener
• know when to remain silent
• give encouragement
• wait to be asked to give help
• listen for clues to the root of the problem
• remember that whatever they're sharing is "huge" to them
• communicate love with body language and facial expressions
• say you're sorry it you need to
• identify with your child after they're completely done talking - you may share an event or situation that shows you've experienced something similar

Remember that learning to listen takes practice. Our kids need our availability more than our ability. It can take a while for them to trust in your intention, and it may require some forgiveness. If there are hurt feelings between you and your child, take ownership of your part. Listening may be the first step in developing a brand-new relationship between you and your child.


Kim is a great listener. Bend her ear, via e-mail, by dropping a note at kschafer@insidescv.com.