We all have them; those ideas, beliefs or desires, "the shoulds" that we consciously or subconsciously hold onto as priorities for how we think the issues in our lives should unfold. These are the idols in our hearts. This can include how we think our children should be, which in turn affects how we parent them.

If we're holding in our heart some idol or belief it often controls how we view our children and may set up unrealistic expectations for our relationships with them. A friend of mine is a mother of twins and we were recently discussing a book we had both read: "Idols of the Heart" by Elyse Fitzpatick. The particular book speaks to the concept that what rules our heart controls our life. The author shares the analogy of putting your hand in front of your face and attempting to look at something through your fingers. No matter where you look, your vision is obstructed. And so will be the relationships we have with our children if we're parenting with an obstruction. We may judge, accuse and condemn or behave with intolerance and anger if we can't replace certain idols with understanding, acceptance and forgiveness.

During the teen years, parents often struggle with control. Our kids are experimenting with independence and we're struggling with letting go. Depending on personality styles involved, the teen years can become a war zone with the relationship between mom, dad and child full of casualties.

The book suggests several universal idols and I'd like to share a couple with you. As a parent this could be an opportunity to examine your own heart as well as your relationship with your children, especially if you have teenagers.

The Idol of Comfort: As parents we may feel a sense of entitlement. We pay the bills. We're the adult. Our children shouldn't put demands on us that make us uncomfortable. We have the right to peace and respect and when we don't get it we're angry with them. We may start to see our teenager as the enemy. This is a time when our teens need us to listen, to negotiate and to model respect. If we have the idol of comfort in our heart our desires will always be frustrated and this can keep us from being effective during a time when our kids are confused and they need us to be their compass.

The Idol of Appreciation: We're ambulance drivers and a late-night taxi service, on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It seems we're always fixing, buying and sacrificing - all for them.

Elyse Fitpatrick reminded me that my teenager most likely will never come running in the door from school to tell me he couldn't wait to get home to thank me for all I do for him. Teenagers are developmentally into themselves. They're all about self-exploration and it's okay! Parents will always struggle with discouragement if we're doing things based on the expectation that service demands appreciation.

The Idol of Control: When our kids are small we control everything. "Idols" discusses the idea that even though we complain about all we had to do, we really enjoyed the power of being in control of everything they ate and wore, everywhere they went, and who they had as friends. I know I've reminisced fondly about when my kids were under the age of 3 because no matter what was happening I could just pick them up and remove them from the situation. Now my kids are off at college and I have no control except for the checkbook. But if the goal is control over our teens in order to protect them and give us peace, we'll always be upset. We can't guarantee they'll always be safe and development is not supposed to be peaceful. It's chaotic and confusing. The goal is to raise kids who are mature and independent. They need to figure out how to be themselves, not copies of us.

It's tough to examine ourselves and to realize we may be holding onto "idols" that have created parenting problems. It's hard to let go of expectations we've held onto for years.


If you'd like to share your "idols," and how you may have coped with them, e-mail Kim at kschafer@insidescv.com.