Whether it's your screaming child in the grocery store, your young child who won't stop bugging you to buy something during a trip to the mall, or your teenager who's defensive because he was caught coming in after curfew, we all run into the moment of engagement: that brief period of time when a particular situation has escalated and we have to make a decision.

The experience feels a bit like looking at a movie in slow motion. Surroundings fade to black and it's just you, your child and the moment of truth. What to do? We usually enter feet first into the heat of the battle, not realizing that after engaging in the emotion of the moment we might have unfortunately set ourselves up to lose the war. And we're righteously sure we're correct to take care of business immediately. In the case of the toddler's tantrum in the grocery store, I would agree that a prompt response is in order. Pick up the child and remove the little darling from the situation. That type of engagement teaches little ones that their inappropriate behaviors will not be rewarded with treats, toys or activities.

"We usually enter feet first into the HEAT OF THE BATTLE, not realizing that after engaging in the emotion of the moment we might have unfortunately set ourselves up to LOSE THE WAR."

With older children, common sense sometimes takes a back seat. In the heat of the moment we plunge into the conflict. Things get said that should remain unsaid. Irrational consequences are threatened. No one is communicating, only talking (or yelling) at each other. Solving the problem may seem impossible.

Learning how to handle conflict without engaging helps kids learn about cooperation and respect. It also helps parents relieve the frustration of feeling powerless. Ask yourself, "What's my goal: punishment or discipline?"

Punishment is punitive. When we're emotional we want to hit back figuratively and literally. Discipline isn't about doing something, it's about teaching something. Dinkmeyer and Dinkmeyer, authors of "Systematic Training for Effective Parenting," believe parents will gain back control when they stop engaging in the emotion and focus on understanding the purpose of their child's behavior. They suggest that engaging in the emotion of the moment may include yelling, hitting, threatening and taking things away, thereby creating a relationship based on anger, fear, shame and mistrust.

Some parents think they need to have complete control or their children will control them. These parents need to have the last word in the battle with their children. Think about the following parenting strategies. Which do you use?

• Are you firm or are you strict?
• Do you talk too much or do you talk less and act more?
• Do you fight, give in or give choices?
• Do you need to have the last word or do you use respectful words?
• Do you employ angry consequences or logical consequences?

If both you and your child are so angry that talking seems impossible, take a time out. The STEP program encourages parents to acknowledge when it seems that there's no way to solve a problem in the moment. They're probably right. Emotions are too volatile. Especially with teenagers, and if alcohol or substance use is involved, conflict can't be solved rationally. Stepping away from the situation and revisiting it the next day is a safe option. Disengaging from the emotional moment also gives parents a chance see things differently. Not responding with anger or threats models respect.

We have to learn to respect ourselves enough not to engage in the conflict, which also teaches our children that we respect them. Not engaging in the conflict also gives you a chance to figure out the real problem and to set the stage for talking about it calmly. During the calmer moments you can talk to your child about an agreement not to fight. Set up in advance the mutual agreement that gives each of you permission not to fight. If conflict begins, either you or your child can call for a time out with the agreement that you'll talk later or the next day. You're not backing down or giving up, you're simply not engaging in the destructive emotion of the moment and you're teaching your child how to do the same. Not engaging in the emotional moment also gives parents the opportunity to think through appropriate consequences for the situation or the behavior. You can decide on consequences that actually fit the misbehavior and follow through with what you decide. Following through is extremely important as it demonstrates that you expect cooperation.

As a parent myself, I have struggled with this strategy. When your child is in your face, certain they are right and determined to get their way, disengaging is the last thing on anyone's mind. Be patient with yourself and your child. Change is hard.


If you're tired of constantly battling with your child and would like to try something different, please don't hesitate to e-mail Kim at kschafer@insidescv.com. She'd love to talk with you.