Would someone please tell me what's going on with big boys, their toys and the all-so-obvious-to everyone-but-them midlife crises? It's almost as if a testosterone-driven biological time clock alarm goes off as men approach their 50s and beyond.

The story is so often the same, and tragically stereotypical. The kids are grown and have (finally) left the house, and while mom may be pining away for her babies, dad's arranging for the family SUV to be traded in for a fast sports car. Don't they know that their shiny bald spot looks silly glaring out of the top of their convertible? Oh, well. I suppose the purposeless fight to re-obtain their youth beats trolling the produce aisle for buxom blondes - unless they scored one of those with the sports car. I've often wondered, do leggy peroxide girls come standard with pricier sports cars, or are they an option?

If you want an eye-opener, surf the internet for "midlife crisis." I found articles on "How to have a Midlife Crisis," prompting me to wonder why men would need an instruction book on something that's part of life. Then again, when did you ever hear of a man reading a map or stopping to ask directions? There were hundreds of articles and sites dealing with this fascinating subject. You can hire a life coach to help you through the transition, earn a degree or find a plethora of information, products and links for bladder control, ED (impotence) and depression.

In case you think I'm picking on the male species, you're wrong. Women are subject to this transition as well, only we call it menopause and that's a different article for a different time. Back to the men for now...

One article I found in my quest told me that there are multiple paths through midlife. Each man's journey is unique, shaped by his history and his hopes, his relationships, his blood pressure and the angle of his dangle. It suffices to say, the intensity of the midlife passage in men varies greatly.

One thing is certain: Midlife crisis is genuine, having both physiological and psychological components. Now tell me, if you knew you were facing irritability, loss of libido, erectile dysfunction, hair loss, fatigue and depression, how excited would you be about aging?

I used to think it would be wonderful to come back in the next life as a man. Now I'm giving it a second thought. Not that menopause is any great adventure, but it at least has some redeeming qualities (like never having to visit the "feminine needs" aisle again).

I've often thought it amusing that it's acceptable for men to date women half their age, and not an eyelash is batted, yet let a woman date a much younger man and well, you get my drift. The Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher dating stories provided the tabloids with months of down and dirty reading material. Did anyone notice that Kevin Costner married a woman little more than half his age? Oh well, so much for the injustices of life.

But I digress. Back to the blonde/sports car combo for a second. If men are going through this horrific time, I hope they at least have enough common sense left (that wasn't eroded by Rogaine) to realize that there can be comfort in their long-term relationships. I equate it to shoes. I'd rather have some broken-in, comfy old loafers than spend weeks of discomfort and pain breaking in a new pair.

Here is a philosophy for you midlifers out there: Grow old along with (fill in name of woman who helped put you through law school here); the best is yet to be. Remember, gents, this too shall pass.


Ann drives a sporty new car. Coincidence? We think not. Prompt another rant by e-mailing her at afogle@insidescv.com.