I've decided that if I have a choice as to what I'll be in my next life, I'm going to come back as an animal.

At first I thought I'd want to be a bear. After all, bears eat themselves silly before they hibernate. They give birth to their children who are born the size of walnuts during six months of sleep and awake to partially grown, cute and cuddly cubs. Now, I can definitely do that.

As a mama bear, I would mean business, swatting at anyone who bothers my cubs and, if they get out of line, swatting them too without worry of Child Protective Services swooping in. And, as a bear, my mate expects that I'll have excess body fat, hairy legs and wake up growling. Yup, a bear is definitely a good possibility.

Then again, I could lead the luxurious life of a dog owned by one of the hundreds of retired couples I've interviewed for long term care insurance. Ah, how I long to be pampered, overfed and doted upon as some of the furry four-legged family members I've met along the way! Why, I could have a four-poster bed from Neiman Marcus, darling outfits from the latest couture stores, a shrink who understands my pampered pet emotions and of course, an occasional aromatherapy spa day to chase the blues away.

My doting owner and I could have matching Italian leather accessories, tasteful rhinestone chokers and take in an occasional happy hour for pet and parent. And of course, traveling is not a problem for us anymore; there are an explosion of doggie hotels that serve customized meals, offer massages and boast all the comforts of home.

Okay, so I'll get serious. As we boomers experience the empty nest syndrome, our attention turns to lavishing our affection and disposable income on our pets. After all, we no longer have our children to spoil, so now it's Fido's or Kitty's turn - except that no one calls their pets "Fido" or "Kitty" anymore.

Our pets are called by people names because they are viewed as bona fide family. My dear friend Kate's darling cocker spaniel's name is Genevieve. I had a dog I named Lady Anastasia Gabrielle (what was I thinking?). I surfed the web and found a list of popular cat and dog names, so here goes. For girls: Maggie, Lucy, Zoe, Molly and Brie. For boys: Sam, Max, Ben, Jess and Oliver. That almost sounds like my granddaughter's playgroup!

As we get older, we "people-fy" our pets, spoiling them with doggy toys shaped like designer purses, chocolate bars and race cars. We cuddle with them, talk to them in a tone more appropriate for infants and buy them gourmet food and designer outfits that match ours.

That settles it. The stinky, hairy bear is definitely out. My new prayer is, "Dear God, this is Ann. If I am lucky enough to come back to this world, please cut me some slack this time. Bring me back as a darling little kitty or precious puppy to be pampered. Thank you and Amen."


In your next life, would you prefer to be a toaster? E-mail Ann your philosophies on reincarnation and appliances at afogle@insidescv.com.