At least once a week a well meaning friend sends me an e-mail on aging. It's bad enough I have to look at the ravages of aging every morning when I brush my teeth, let alone when I open my e-mail. I'm comforted by the thought that I'm not alone and that many of these vignettes are quite humorous, so I thought I would compile some of my favorites to share.

Sit back, relax and let's take a trip down memory lane as we update some of our favorite 45s. Herman's Hermits have revised their gold record; "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker." Bobby Darin is back from the hereafter with "Splish Splash, I was Havin' a Flash," as are the Bee Gees with "How can You Mend a Broken Hip?" Of course, there's the perennial favorite from Ringo Starr, "I get by with a Little Help from Depends," and finally from Helen Reddy, "I am Woman, Hear me Snore."

Grab some Bazooka bubblegum, I double dog dare you, and read on. I love these "senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:

Long-Term Commitment: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Foxy Lady: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

"We saved S&H green stamps, had metal ice cube trays with metal levers, listened to Pat Boone on the hi-fi and patiently waited five minutes for our black and white television set to warm up."

And finally, my favorite...

Mint Condition: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

This one is a thought provoker...

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. He asked her what she thought about the computer age, shootings at schools and just things in general. Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute. I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers and man hadn't yet walked on the moon."

Grandma continued, "Your grandfather and I got married first and then lived together. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me "sir." We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment and common sense."

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a 'meaningful' relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Until I was in my teens, I had never heard of FM radio, tape decks, CDs or electric typewriters. In my day 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink and 'aids' were helpers in the principal's office. 'Chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and 'software' wasn't even a word."

Now, dear readers, here's the question. How old is grandma?

When I wrote this, all sorts of wonderful memories came flooding back. Yes, there's great truth in the fact that as we age our long term memory takes over. Don't ask me what I had for breakfast yesterday, but I vividly recall Howdy Doody and Clarabell the Clown, Timmy and Lassie, "I Love Lucy" and the Cleavers. How could we forget wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water, blackjack chewing gum and candy cigarettes? We saved S&H green stamps, had metal ice cube trays with metal levers, listened to Pat Boone on the hi-fi and patiently waited five minutes for our black and white television set with rabbit ears to warm up. Our first house cost $6,000. For $1 at McDonald's you could buy two cheeseburgers, fries, a shake and still have money left.

Oh well, enough mental meandering. Halloween is upon us and for those of you with fleeting thoughts of trick or treating, here are five good reasons to stay home and pass out the candy like the rest of us old foggies:

1. You ask for high-fiber candy only.
2. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
3. When the door opens you yell "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. It costs too much money to cut holes in 600-count Egyptian cotton sheets.
5. You have to keep going home to go to the bathroom.


If you think you know how old grandma is (or did you already forget about those paragraphs?), e-mail Ann at ann@insidescv.com.