Imagine legions of abandoned lapdogs roaming the street in packs, desperately seeking out meager scraps of food. Behind the hungry growls and yips of these hapless hounds, you hear the sound of glass shattering - more looting, probably. You try to escape but are confronted with endless rows of homes, their inhabitants living in squalor. Trash hasn't been collected for months, and decay is everywhere.

This might very well be Santa Clarita. And if it is, it will be all your fault.

Indeed, the City recently issued a press release saying that sales tax revenue was down 0.6 percent for the final quarter of 2007. Six-tenths of a percent!? Can total financial ruin be that far off? Said City Treasurer Darren Hernandez: "It is more important than ever to shop within the City of Santa Clarita and support our local businesses."

I agree, Mr. Hernandez. This sort of funding problem can't be fixed with a bake sale or pledge drive. We need to get people to come to - or stay in - SCV and spend their money.

Let's explore who is (and who isn't) doing their part to help boost SCV's lagging tax revenue.

Mariah Forsakes Honeymoon for Roller Coasters
Were your ears ringing a little on the night of May 13? Perhaps you were hearing the impossibly high-pitched squeals of superstar Mariah Carey as she enjoyed a private party at Six Flags Magic Mountain. Mariah and new husband, Nick Cannon, rented out the park a couple of weeks after their secret(ish) wedding. According to the Hollyscoop website, the private theme park celebration for the newlyweds and a hundred of their friends cost somewhere in "the mid six-figure range."

I had no idea Mariah Carey was an SCV girl at heart. But here she and the new Mr. Mariah Carey came, spending Gs and shopping local just like the commercials encourage us to do. As a courtesy, I think it's only fair that you buy her new album, E=MC2. With hits like "Touch My Body," it's perfect for the whole family. And who knows? Perhaps our gratitude will keep SCV in the forefront of the singer's mind, and there will be more tax revenue generated as she rents out Mountasia for her first anniversary.

Newhall Library, take Two
It's been a while since we've checked in on how things are going with the Old Town Newhall Redevelopment project, which is planned to boost tax revenue from one of the oldest parts of Santa Clarita. This time, the City is giving back to the community with a library. It is being preemptively hailed as a major attraction that will get people from Valencia, Stevenson Ranch and the like to drop by Newhall.

[Side-note: Libraries, you may recall, are those curious buildings that house lots of books that are borrowed rather than bought. There's actually one just a few blocks away from the site of the proposed new library. Libraries were popular before the sinister blooming of the internet.]

On May 27, the City Council approved spending $1,225,000 for a property on Spruce Street that will one day house the fabled library. With internet access, books, and air-conditioning, I'm certain families will leave their own homes with internet, books, and air-conditioning to come visit. But if they do come, at least they'll have saved enough money on books to go on a shopping spree in Old Town's shops.

Pay to Parade
One potentially huge cash cow that has remained tragically under-milked is the Fourth of July Day Parade. It's coming up soon, and I think charging people to watch will not only create revenue but improve turn-out.

One of the reasons that fewer people attend every year is because they believe if something's free, it's probably not worth their time. "I've seen enough Boy Scout Troops and hay bale floats for one lifetime," jaded Claritans remark as they stay home instead of heading out for the parade. But charge $10 per square foot of sidewalk space and people are going to want to come more than ever. Being at the parade will be something of a status symbol. "Did you hear about the parade? $10 a square foot this year! They must have something special!" the formerly-jaded Claritans will say, and they'll be right.

Regardless of how it's done, we must raise more money for the SCV. After all, these days it's profit-or-perish for businesses and cities alike. So remember, if you heart Santa Clarita, spend some money on her.

Contact I.M. Claritan at iheartscv@insidescv.com.

Publishers' Note:While this article is obviously intended as humor, in reality, the issues surrounding the "shop local" push are not so funny. Keeping your money in Santa Clarita is a necessity if we are to maintain the high living standards this community is known for. So, help keep your neighbors in business, and when you spend, spend at home! When we come together, we all benefit.